"How are you feeling about this upcoming year?" was the very simple question asked by a very good friend, as we parted ways after another long summer.
And I think that up until then, up until tonight, I had been dreading my answer.
In Genesis 22, Abraham goes to offer a sacrifice to God. As he and his son Isaac travel on their donkeys, his son asks a valid question, "Where is the lamb for the burnt offering?." Little does he know that in fact he is the one supposed to be sacrificed. Just as Abraham is about to kill his son, he is stopped by an angel. Then the Lord says "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld me from your son, your only son."
Fear of God.
And that's why I'm terrified.
Now don't take this the wrong way. By fear of God it doesn't mean that I'm like a mouse hiding in terror from the snake ready to devour it. Rather fear of God denotes a great deal of respect, a lack of power on my part, and a lack of control over my own life. Fear of God is acknowledging that you a rendered useless to the power of the Almighty. It's a humbling position really.
And don't take being terrified as a bad thing either. It's not that I find myself terrified of being struck down dead by lightening. Instead I find myself terrified because I don't know the outcome of this next year, the good and the bad. I'm terrified because I find myself at the feet of the Almighty Lord, waiting to see what he has in store for me. It's a good kind of terrified, but still a bit unnerving. I'm terrified because I know the outcome will ultimately be good, yet I'm terrified that the in between parts will be a mountain and a half to climb.
Another reason I'm terrified is because I know that this year will be more difficult than last semester, and that it'll mean I have to give out every last drop of milk that I have in my cup.
My brother made the analogy that whatever you fill yourself up with, you will over flow with. With glass of milk for instance, it starts off empty and dry, stripped down of any ounce of liquid. When milk is poured in, it not only fills the empty void, but eventually causes it to overflow. And out of that overflow, what drips over the sides? Milk. Not water, not orange juice, or pineapple juice, or Coke, but milk. And its the same with us. The more we empty ourselves, and let God fill us, the more we can overflow God out of our cups.
Throughout last semester God kept asking me if I trusted that he would get me through it.
And he did.
Not only did he get me through, but he told me that by getting through it, by trusting Him, that it would be a test, a prelim for what was yet to happen this year. He told me that this year would be harder, more draining emotionally, and spiritually, but that it would be good for me. That by the end of it I would come out worn out, and beaten, but better. He told me to let my cup overflow and become as empty as it was before he filled it, to give my all in this last year.
And that's why I'm terrified, because ultimately I know the end goal will be far more then I deserve or could have dreamed of.
And that freaks me out a bit. ;)
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