Old School Love

I guess you could call this an ode to Grandma, a tribute to the strength of an amazing woman, and to the gratitude I feel for everything she has been to me. Although she will never probably read this, I think its only fair to capture a true love story that she dictated to me a couple of weeks ago.

Its been a year to the day (yesterday though since its after 12) since my grandfather died, very suddenly last August. After 59 years of marriage my grandmother (I call her Podie so that will be the reference from this point on) said goodbye to her one true love, and had to venture out into the unknown, that of a widowed life. Every week she goes up the the cemetery where my grandfather lays, puts some fresh flowers in the vases, clears away the growth from his name plate, and tells him whats been happening. She says a prayer and neither cries, nor yells, but simply serenely gazes upon his grave with a peaceful face. I remember at the funeral watching her slowly stroke the face of my grandfather as he lay in the casket, her lips barely moving as she said her last goodbye to no one else but him. It was quite amazing, watching as a peace seemed to surround her, she seemed to float with a serenity that neither the rest of my grieving family, particularly my little crying cousin, seemed to have. Until recently I never fully appreciated the beauty of that scene, and I never grasped the deep strength and love that my Podie had towards my Gungie (my grandfather) until now.

I found out that they first met while she was working in her family store, and he a young lovesick puppy who came everyday to buy bread, even on the days his family didn't need any. Although he had a girlfriend at the time, a couple of looks from my Podie sent him flying high, and he fell in love with her. Podie said that she knew he was ok, because he was a "square", a good looking gentleman, someone who she knew she could trust. They got married and had kids, grand kids, living a full life in which family was always a top priority. To me it seems that "The Notebook" became alive through my grandparents, a true and real story of love.

And it culminates at what my Podie told me a couple of weeks ago. She said "You know, if there was a rich man who came and asked me to marry him I wouldn't. You know why? Because there will always be only one man in my life, and that is your Gungie. There was only one man in the world like him, he was special. And I will always love him, I could never love anyone else."

For not so sappy people like me, it blew me away. True love, here at its best, found in the love of my Podie and Gungie. Two ordinary people living a tough life, that reflects as best as anyone can express what love is. And it continues to amaze me, to see my Podie, a woman who has lost her one true love, continue to revel in the goodness of that relationship, of that friendship, of that love. She is neither consumed by brokenness, sadness, and by what she has lost, but instead hopes, perseveres and continues to bless God in all things. I only wish that I could have half her strength and faith.

It makes me wonder at the power of love, and how if this is simply an expression of human love, then how amazing must the love of Christ be for his people. If earthly devotion is manifested on such a level, how much more extravagant must the eternal devotion be to us?

It's all things I cannot fathom, and yet to see something so good in my Podie, and to know that better things await us, seems almost unbelievable.

A Full Heart

The beginning of this new blog started with my questioning of the purpose of this summer. The fact that I felt lost in my quest for understanding amidst my ministry and job. And yet here I am again, stupefied by the plan that I never could have conceived of and was too much in my human element to pay attention to. Instead the greater plan, His plan showed me up, humbled me, and put my heart at ease, much more then when I tried to on my own. So here I am bowing my head with a humbled but full heart. Full of ease, patience, and love for God and the path that he paved for me. Just when I thought that this summer had no purpose, the surprise came in a very happily received gift.

In second Corinthians 5 there is a passage about the ministry of reconciliation. Being reconciled to God, which leads to reconciliation among brothers and sisters. So what was my gift? Just that, reconciliation. In Jimmy's sermon today he stated that there is a difference between reconciliation and forgiveness, that they're not the same. I realized that although I can forgive people, its the reconciliation that I can't seem to do. Whether I'm in the right or not, I seem to feel that I'd rather take it and deal with it all myself, instead of letting both parties take responsibility. I like to bottle my emotions and personally try to figure them out rather then let anyone help me. And what the purpose of this summer was, was to let God show to me that reconciliation, and in some sense confrontation, is meant to be a two way street. Of course it makes it harder, more awkward, and has to be more vulnerable, but its the only way that true reconciliation occurs. Haha you'd think that I'd understood that already, but hey I guess I'm pretty dense. =)

So 3 confrontations, 3 talks, 3 perfectly timed moments from God, and 3 rebuilt relationships. Jesus didn't just die to save me, among the many things his death did was also create the bridge so that all believers had a way to reconcile with each other. And let me tell you, that sacrifice makes all the difference. People wonder what makes the bond of Christ so special, and its the message of reconciliation. Heavenly grace extended that lets human grace take place.

So this summer wasn't at all what I thought it was supposed to be about. Though in some ways I did do and learn a lot of what I thought I would of course, but its this moment, that the tapestry weaves an intricate design that is complete. The design shows that I am not meant to be as independent as I always think I am. It shows that I am not supposed to deal with my emotions all alone, that fellowship is far more important than I thought it was.

And so my heart is full. Today was the cherry on top, a delightful sunrise after months of stormy weather. All I can do is continue to praise God that his ways are not mine, and that his plan is not mine either. And so I say all this with a happy mind, peaceful soul, and a heart that is bursting, that GOD is GOOD.

Open the Eyes of my Heart

It's quite common to hear this phrase on Sunday during worship. In fact the song is a classic, sung at most contemporary churches around the country, and yet the true meaning of this phrase is really a dozen songs in itself. For so many years I thought I understood the message of these words, but only last year did I realize that it wasn't just a concept, but rather an explosion of emotion, of understanding, of wisdom and of wonder, it was the moment that God made the blind man see again. For a while I've been selfishly basking in my own understanding, my realization moment, the moment I actually can say that I've met with God for a fleeting second. But tonight God not only humbled me but brought me to a new and more exciting revelation, by allowing me to see the glory fill my brothers and sisters eyes when they too began to see, to REALLY see out of their hearts.

Trying to hear them explain what they felt only to know that it almost cannot be expressed brought me so much joy. It's like trying to explain a great dessert, a first kiss, or seeing a fantastic movie. There aren't many words, and by trying to explain it you want to explode, your words get caught up in a frenzy as you try to articulate yourself, while your hands fly, gesticulating emotions and meaning. It's not enough to say that "God is good" but its truly what you mean for the first time in your life, and for once it has real meaning, true value. The world makes sense in some weird way, the Word makes sense even more, as you see people through God's eyes. Your heart starts breaking for people you used to despise, you want to pray for everything and everyone, and you want to cry and laugh all at the same time. So somehow you just end up talking a bunch and can't stop smiling, and its finally that you know this is real. Its not just a religion, its not just a Sunday school lesson, but THIS IS REAL. And then you are filled with passion, so much passion that you wonder how you even lived before.

Suddenly you see visions, you hear God's voice loud and clear, you want to do so much to help the world, and yet you don't even know where to start. You want to minister, to plant seeds, to see people saved, you want to pray for those who are hurting, and you want to share all this with everyone you know. And suddenly things start to happen, things that you always just thought happened in the old times, and suddenly God is answering crazy prayers, and suddenly you start praying crazy prayers and it just keeps going in a cycle. Encouragement from everyone seems to fill up your heart and you just want to explode with goodness, with love, and with God. And finally its all so clear, so simple, so worth it. And you realize that this, this FEELING is what being a Christian is all about, and that its all so beautiful.

And for once you understand beauty.

Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder or God?

Tonight at my lil' girls sg we were discussing outer and inner beauty, what we thought it was, what society tells us it is, etc. It related to something I was thinking about earlier this week about what is beautiful. Beauty is subjective, and yet everything is beautiful (to quote Starfield). But something my friend wrote really hit me, she said "He invented beauty and He created the world. And I get to have Him determine my life." By inventing beauty and creating the world it almost rings as synonomous. And then it made me question, if I can see beauty in so many things, why can't others? HE invented it, wanted us to see it, and why do I only sometimes see it? Then it hit me, that was the reason. That God created beauty, and allows me to see it because he wants me to. He would have invented beauty even if I were the only person on this earth, simply because of the pleasure if would give him to have me become enthralled by his goodness. And so though I may be the only one at this time, it doesn't lessen the value, because he has chosen for me to enjoy it, even if I am the only one.

Coming home tonight I realized something major that God has been doing in my life, if anything I found the honu to the last post I wrote yesterday. But the thing is, I can't seem to see its beauty right now. Yet I'm reminded of what told the girls tonight (funny how God always throws my advice back at myself). I'm reminded of the fresh to dried flowers. At first everything is fresh, alive and beautiful, but as the flower wilts, it turns ugly, sad, less vibrant. But when it dries in the sun, and becomes delicate and crinkled, it once again is..........beautiful.

It's just getting through the drying thats difficult, or I guess rather, the dying.

End of the Episode

I seem to count each summer as another episode. It goes from the school year to the summer and back again to school. It'll be interesting when there's no more school and my life becomes one long movie. Working this summer was nothing like last summer. Different demographics of customers, along with a variety of coworkers (both genders included), leading to.......what? At the end of an episode at least some parts of the story are wrapped up, there's a realization in the minds of the characters, the "aha!" moment that allows them to continue into the next episode with some sense of accomplishment or contentment. Yet I find that the ending of this episode, of the summer, of my job, well its like I keep diving and yet come up empty handed.

But maybe its just that I'm swimming, and forgetting that I did make a few sand castles and built a few good sand pools, because I did this summer. I know I impacted the land, but why does the water seem to draw me and question my integrity? It's purpose I seek, but then again isn't that always what it comes down to?

I guess I'll have to keep diving, keep exploring and simply tread the water a little. Maybe I'll find a honu soon =)