Do the next thing.

From Elizabeth Elliot:

From an old English parsonage down by the sea
There came in the twilight a message to me;
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the doors the quiet words ring
Like a low inspiration: “DOE THE NEXTE THYNGE.”

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, and guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrows, child of the King,
Thrust them with Jesus, doe the nexte thynge.

Do it immediately, do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand
Who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on Omnipotence, safe ‘neath His wing,
Leave all results, doe the nexte thynge

Looking for Jesus, ever serener,
Working or suffering, be thy demeanor;
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance be thy psalm,
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing.
Then, as He beckons thee, doe the nexte thynge.

--Anonymous

In His Time.....

God will redeem everything.

And it will be beautiful again.

WTF

Sometimes you just feel like asking:

"What the f*** God?"

Currently my reasoning for this question are a lack of direction in my life (typical). Although it's not because there have been no opportunities, but it seems that they have all been getting shot down for one reason or another. Some are scheduling conflicts, but some are just unnecessary conflicts that are completely out of my control. And it makes me ask that question.

I'm not asking in an "I'm angry at God" or "I'm upset at God" but more like a bewildered wide eyed "what in the world just happened" kind of way. True, I'm a bit upset at God, probably a bit angry, I mean who doesn't get like that when things they want to see happen don't?

But I've learned far too many times that God's way is better, and that when doors open and close, its all because of him and not because of me. And I came back home clearly knowing that something was in store for me here and not back in New York. I am back clearly knowing and confident in God's plan, no questions asked.

And so I ask that question rhetorically, knowing that another closed door means more and more answers, more and more possibilities, and that with each dropped opportunity I'm getting a bit closer to the one God actually wants for me.

So while its frustrating to feel shut out and disappointed by lost opportunities, excitement builds knowing that sometime in the future God's going to bless me with some amazing opportunity.

And then I can go, "What the f*** God" because it will be that much more awesome. =)

The Selective Gospel

Today I realized that I believe in the Selective Gospel.

This is not good.

I'm pretty sure this not an actual term, but I'm christening it so.

Definition: The Selective Gospel is the belief of one individual that only a select few individuals are allowed to be a part of/accepted into/believe in, the actual biblical Gospel found in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. The Selective Gospel is based on the foundation that certain individuals are not worthy of entering the kingdom of God due to their personality or past. However these selections are mostly based on their interactions with the aforementioned one individual.

The Selective Gospel is a horrible thing I adhere to. I'd like to say that I am quite tolerant when it comes to people, that I don't judge you right away, and that even when I get to know you that I maintain an infinite amount of graceful padding for any potential hurt or pain you will cause me. Unfortunately none of that is so. I tend to judge people quickly (whether acting on it or not) and that padding is more like a block of wood that hurts when you land on it.

I state freely that the Gospel is for anyone, anywhere, anytime. But more specifically that tends to mean that the Gospel is only for people I tend to like. Remember those group of kids in school who where the social misfits, often outwardly awkward or quiet, insecure and shy? Well my Selective Gospel says that anyone of those people are welcome to believe. But the popular kids with their designer bags and clothes that partied on the weekends? Nope the Gospel is not for them.

Okay so you might think that I'm just a disgruntled misfit who couldn't hang out with the "cool" kids and therefore think this way. Maybe in part you're true. But more so is that I realize that because I view these people as overly ostentatious, self-centered, rich kids I find that they have no place, be it not right to believe in the Gospel.

This is one of my worst sins.

To project my individual feelings of these people onto the image of God himself is like playing God...I don't have to tell you why that's wrong. What I see when looking at them is exactly the way God looked at me, before Christ came. Overly ostentatious, self-centered, rich kids who think they have it all together.

It's ironic too because I know that behind those masks those kids were always the ones with the most insecurities, the most issues in life, the most complications. They just acted that way because they were broken...just like me.

The funny thing is that by believing the Selective Gospel I'm essentially admitting and acknowledging that I am unable to be saved. That I am as annoying and obnoxious as those kids I used to not like in high school. What a humbling thought that is...

The truth is that the true Gospel specifically states that the Selective Gospel is a lie. That true grace does not discriminate nor does it give up on or judge. It is not based on qualifications from previous interactions or current situations. It's all-inclusive.

Non-Motivated-Ness

I have this weird thing about myself...ok restate that sentence, I have MANY weird things about myself (I knew that if I didn't write that one of my dear friends would). But the most obvious one that I've noticed about myself in the past months is that when I lack motivation, I lack it completely.

What I mean by this is that normally although a person might feel unmotivated, they at least feel some motivation to do the things they like or love doing. An example being that if a person loves to play basketball they will do so even if every other aspect of their lives is uneventful.

However when I have nothing on my schedule, I've been realizing that I don't even make the effort to do the things I love. I watch a lot of tv, but to be honest it has never been something I really love doing...I'd rather watch a movie instead.

I think I've watched only about a handful.

I tend to blame my non-motivated-ness (I think blogs should be used for the purpose of making words up) on money. The fact that I have none and therefore feel guilty using what my parents have. But sometimes I think that just becomes an excuse for me, because I know that deep down my parents would be willing to lend me a couple dollars here or there if they knew it would get me out of the house.

Which brings me to dancing.

My relationship with dance has never been a love-hate but rather a love-love-LOVE relationship. However this doesn't explain the long hiatus that has taken place not only now but throughout college. If you love something normally you want more of it, need more of it, and can't go a day without it. But in truth the most dancing I've done in the past year has probably been at a club.

I think that in the case of dancing, I'm afraid to enjoy it and do it because I know that eventually I won't be able to do it forever. That my joints will weaken and I'll not have the energy when I get older. And I know that in college I held back because I thought that if I couldn't major in dance, then why bother, because dance would only bring temporary happiness. Kind of emo I know.

Hmm...I guess now that I think of it it kind of reflects how I also feel about relationships. I think that I'm often scared of committing or admitting to feelings simply on the basis that I know it's temporary. That even long lasting marriages eventually have an end, I mean there's always going to be a "till death do us part" it's kind of a guarantee.

Perhaps this is a lesson on the eternal nature of God and the fleeting nature of human life and love. Or perhaps I'm just trying to justify my feelings and confused nuggets of truth that float in my head of clouds on a daily basis. Either way I guess the truth of it is that I need to live more in the moment...take that back, the emotions of the moment, rather then dissect the consequences and possibilities of every and any combination of actions that I must take.

These are the moments I wish I had less a stone heart and more of a mushy soul. Then maybe my brain wouldn't hurt so much...

=)

My Life is a Sitcom

I like that God designed life to be one big story. A story that is neither comedic nor dramatic, but anything and everything in between.

Sometimes I like to bask in the simple enjoyment of the non-drama, the kind of story that really just entertains you, without having to think or act accordingly. Kind of like a sitcom, these moments flash in an instant, leaving a pleasantly warm-fuzzy-bottom of the mug of hot chocolate-essence in your belly.

But then there are those mini drama series. Whether like Heroes, CSI (all of them), even those reality shows, these dramas tend to mark and mar our life. But without them the story would lack its much needed arch, instead becoming a flattened line on the heart monitor in Grey's Anatomy.

Now this is not discounting the comedic sitcoms. Often times I don't think we get enough of them. That sometimes even the minor dramatic moments found in them become something more important and time consuming then they are ever intended by the script writers to be. Most times these little gems are what life needs to get us from and through the dramatic season finale to a new season pilot.

And its this back and forth ping pong battle in life that makes it that much more beautiful. While we hold onto the drama because its the nitty gritty of life that gets the adrenaline pumping with 24 hours to live; the release into blissful escapedom provides much needed rest and renewal.

The great thing about all this is that no matter if we're in the middle of season 4 or at the beginning of season 1 episode 4, we can all catch up with what we've missed. Whether its through talking with close friends, finding happiness in a new relationship, lifting ourselves out of the wreckage, or finally understanding the twists and turns of the plot...we all catch up eventually.

So I hope you won't give up living because there's no way that Jack Baur can once again escape, or because House can't figure out which disease it is, or because you don't want Barney and Robin to get together.

Because we all know that Jack Baur will escape and do it bigger and better, that House will cure his patient just before he dies, and maybe Barney and Robin won't stay together but at least we'll get closer to finding out who 'the mother' is...and maybe that's the part that really matters.

=)

Finals Therapy

Is it weird that after 4 years and countless essays...

I still enjoy it?

Music, writing, and myself, it's my type of therapy.