Non-Motivated-Ness

I have this weird thing about myself...ok restate that sentence, I have MANY weird things about myself (I knew that if I didn't write that one of my dear friends would). But the most obvious one that I've noticed about myself in the past months is that when I lack motivation, I lack it completely.

What I mean by this is that normally although a person might feel unmotivated, they at least feel some motivation to do the things they like or love doing. An example being that if a person loves to play basketball they will do so even if every other aspect of their lives is uneventful.

However when I have nothing on my schedule, I've been realizing that I don't even make the effort to do the things I love. I watch a lot of tv, but to be honest it has never been something I really love doing...I'd rather watch a movie instead.

I think I've watched only about a handful.

I tend to blame my non-motivated-ness (I think blogs should be used for the purpose of making words up) on money. The fact that I have none and therefore feel guilty using what my parents have. But sometimes I think that just becomes an excuse for me, because I know that deep down my parents would be willing to lend me a couple dollars here or there if they knew it would get me out of the house.

Which brings me to dancing.

My relationship with dance has never been a love-hate but rather a love-love-LOVE relationship. However this doesn't explain the long hiatus that has taken place not only now but throughout college. If you love something normally you want more of it, need more of it, and can't go a day without it. But in truth the most dancing I've done in the past year has probably been at a club.

I think that in the case of dancing, I'm afraid to enjoy it and do it because I know that eventually I won't be able to do it forever. That my joints will weaken and I'll not have the energy when I get older. And I know that in college I held back because I thought that if I couldn't major in dance, then why bother, because dance would only bring temporary happiness. Kind of emo I know.

Hmm...I guess now that I think of it it kind of reflects how I also feel about relationships. I think that I'm often scared of committing or admitting to feelings simply on the basis that I know it's temporary. That even long lasting marriages eventually have an end, I mean there's always going to be a "till death do us part" it's kind of a guarantee.

Perhaps this is a lesson on the eternal nature of God and the fleeting nature of human life and love. Or perhaps I'm just trying to justify my feelings and confused nuggets of truth that float in my head of clouds on a daily basis. Either way I guess the truth of it is that I need to live more in the moment...take that back, the emotions of the moment, rather then dissect the consequences and possibilities of every and any combination of actions that I must take.

These are the moments I wish I had less a stone heart and more of a mushy soul. Then maybe my brain wouldn't hurt so much...

=)