The Last, Last Semester

After writing about how I KNEW this last year would be hard, it amazes me how much I seem to underestimate God, and what he meant by that.

First semester flew by and I learned a lot about myself and about my heart. My emotions might have got the best of me, but it was good. Like learning to cry when things get tough, or even think and deal with issues that force you to delve into your heart and find out just how broken a place it really is. And it was through a multitude of things, mainly my singleness that I was broken down and rebuilt. 6 of my friends got together in a single semester, a record that deserves recognition in my opinion.

Winter break happened and proved to be just the break I needed to end that chapter of a last, first semester. Engaging back into my friendships that I hadn't been in for a semester, and just soaking in probably my last real break at home. Being at home was like a release. Just being able to talk and share so openly with people who know you so well. Refreshing. God even surprised me with some new breakthroughs in old relationships, and showed me how much distance does not really matter when people are a part of your heart.

And fast-forward to this semester. Already just a couple months to go and I hit it big time in the real world. Or so I hope. After basking in the sunshine of being home I think I was unprepared for returning to the storm on the other coast. I was caught unaware of the problems I had left there, and the work needed to be done. Many projects were left unfinished or even untouched, and even now I wish I could say that I'm on the ball and rolling with the punches...but I'm not.

It's been a struggle in itself to keep afloat. I know I'm in a life raft, but I'm left without a paddle and so the most I can do is go where the wind blows. I've thought about using my hands and feet to get to shore, but I only think about it. I'm scared of taking that first step for fear of getting wet, and cold, and finding that I land on the wrong island. I wish I could have a treasure map that leads me to the buried treasure, but I feel like I'm left with a broken compass and only half of a treasure map. The other half floats somewhere in the unknown seas, where I lost it somewhere last semester.

As much as I'm ready to jump, I'm not proactive enough to do so. I can't seem to get my brain to send the signals to my feet and jump. Instead the signals just fumble around in my head causing more commotion and confusion, which does not help when you need to think clearly to swim.

And so I sit in the raft. Humming a tune unknown by everyone, though since it doesn't really reach anyone it doesn't even matter. And I keep hoping a boat will find me, rescue me and take me ashore. But I know that it won't come, and that I have to make it ashore myself.

I just need to try.